Realizations

Ghost Train Trail Race- 30 Miles completed in 7 hours



Well, clearly I did not meet my goal or anything even close to it. The following is an attempt recapture everything my brain has been through today.

I cruised through the first 15 miles feeling pretty good. My legs were a bit heavier than I would've liked but I felt really good. I also zipped through the first half of the second loop, heading into the aid station at mile 22.5 with things looking up. That is where the wheels fell off. I hydrated, ate some food and headed back onto the course to find my heart really bothering me. If you read my blog you know that I've had heart trouble recently due to stress and that it gets exasperated by caffeine and alcohol. This issue developed in August and has been frequent since. Basically it's a tight chest pain that "feels scary" because it's constricting one of my ventricles and making me feel really uncomfortable. I was worried that it may come up during this race and my plan was to take in as little caffeine as possible during the race and try to only limit it to over night if necessary. As I was running the pain got worse until I hit the only part of the course where there are several hills. As I was walking this section and my heart rate started to elevate even more, my heart began to pound in an extremely uncomfortable way, unlike any way I have experienced before. It was very painful and freaked me out because I knew very few people were on the course and if something went wrong right now I would be waiting a while for someone to come along and help me. All these thoughts rushing through my head while this was going on caused me to have a panic attack, something I think I've only had one other time in my life. I began freaking out, and experienced some weird sensations that made me really uncomfortable. Not to sound like a total pussy but after about 2 minutes this subsided and it caused me to break down. I was scared for my life, I didn't know what was going to happen and I knew that the stress of all these miles was making it worse. I began walking and ended up walking 7 miles to when I got back to the car. At that point I spent 20 minutes deciding what to do next-- upon which I called for a ride to leave Contois to finish the race alone (He was in first when I left, killing it.)

I had a choice-- walk for the next 23 hours, not get the full 100 but still set a distance PR or call it a day. I spent the first couple hours after I made the decision to drop at mile 30 depressed, angry and crying. I felt like I completely failed myself and the one goal I've had for 2 years of completing 100 miles. But after some serious thought I've come up with the following;

1. I did this for my health. I knew that something was wrong with my body beforehand and I knew that if it got bad I needed to monitor it and possibly make a decision like dropping, which ended up happening. The fact that dying actually registered in my mind (fucked up right?) scares the hell out of me and makes me proud that I have the sack to quit and not let my ego get the best of me. It's so hard to relay this over the internet, or to anyone else for that matter but I know me dropping out was the right decision based solely on something being wrong with one of the most vital parts of my body.
2. I didn't deserve to finish this race in the first place. I should be the first one to point this out because I follow so many blogs with people who run 100's like it's their job. My biggest mentor is a runner who gets his ass out of bed everyday and runs before the sun is even up. Who am I to not run in my training at all and show up to the start line as confident as I felt? Who am I to think I can put my body through that when I've gotten soft over the last few months, spending time in the weight room but not focusing on my diet, sleep, alcohol intake, stress levels, conditioning levels, endurance, etc? The heart situation developed because I'm not managing relationships and events in my life well enough to the point where my heart cannot take the stress I'm putting on it. I'm not making it any better by being a slob in all the other aspects of my life recently. I've gone soft and this is something I can now acknowledge. To a certain extent I am glad I didn't finish because that would take away from the people who finish these things because they put their heart and soul into it.
3. I needed this to happen to further myself as an athlete and an individual. I needed something to make me feel defeated and broken to realize that I'm not doing myself any favors acting like this. If I ever want to reach the goals I've set for myself I need to get my shit together now or risk never being the person I want to be. The way I felt yesterday knowing that my current state of health is my own problem and that was the ultimate reason that I failed is not acceptable to ever feel again. My training everyday from now on will reflect that-- I will never enter myself into an event that I'm not well trained and fully prepared for.
4. UltraRunning may just not be my thing. I am and always have been in love with CrossFit and more specifically barbell weightlifting. I can honestly say the spark for running has faded in and out since I completed my 50 miler in the Spring, which is reflective of how little I have run in the past couple months. One thing I know I love is running on trails, and being in the woods in general. Had I never started this quest I may have never discovered my love for the outdoors, so I can't say I regret a thing. I'm questioning whether or not I want to attempt to do this again, and if I had to guess now I would say the answer would be no. I currently feel as if I've given all that my body and mind are interested in giving to this particular sport and it may be time for a new goal.

All that being said, what happened during this run changed me for the better. I plan to take several days off, probably another week at least before I begin training again but when I do things will be different. I will begin training seriously after Halloween weekend. This week I will relax and be a normal college kid for the last week of my life. But when I'm back, I'm going to be hungry again to compete, to hit every training session like it's my last because I know that if I ever want to be something special I need to work my ass off every single training session from now on. I know that I need to get my diet straightened out once and for all for the rest of my life. I'm done being inconsistent and not liking my appearance even though I've been seriously training for nearly 3 years now. I need to fix the lazy mindset I've acquired and get myself healthy and figure out what I'm going to put all my energy into next. I'm going to begin the transformation into the adult that will change other people's lives and set the best example I can in my own personal goals that will reflect on who I am. Lastly, I also need to start blogging again every single day so in the future I can figure out what I did wrong if I do indeed fail again somewhere down the road. It could be another 100 mile attempt, it could be the CrossFit Games, competitive powerlifting, or something I don't even know about yet. My point is that my next goal will be something I give my all for and something I will do my absolute all out best in training for so that this kind of thing never happens to me again.


By the way, big shout out to Contois for his first 100+ mile finish. You earned every bit of it man I'm proud of you.